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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29680692">Coffee Jitters</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ozuzo/pseuds/Ozuzo'>Ozuzo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops &amp; Cafés, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Coffee Shops, Developing Relationship, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romantic Comedy, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:02:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29680692</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ozuzo/pseuds/Ozuzo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat, a shut in game tester, develops a routine of grabbing coffee at Starboons every morning. Which is funny, because he doesn’t particularly enjoy coffee and he despises the pretentiousness of the barista that works there… or does he really?</p><p>Meanwhile Eridan struggles to find love.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Venti Americano</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Davekat, but make it a Coffee Shop AU! This fic is a gift for <a href="https://www.instagram.com/nethergloss">my sis!</a></p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You will see there's a lot of Eridan. He was supposed to be a supporting character, but I got carried away... Oops!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p>A soft violet glow made Karkat raise his eyes from his computer and notice his surroundings for the first time in what had presumably been hours. He glanced at his phone just to make sure; yes, late morning had caught him working once again. He couldn't say he had officially messed up his sleep schedule if he didn't plan on sleeping at all, right?</p>
<p>When he turned his attention back to his multiple screen setup, a stupidly bright red "game over" had taken it all up. It was the sixteenth test run—and the third time in a row—he’d failed to beat the game in one of its more accessible modes. He fought the violent urge of destroying something with his bare hands in favor of screeching like a distressed car tire; the deadline to turn over this particular bug log was threateningly close and he couldn’t find it in him to stay focused.</p>
<p>"Fuck me sideways with a chainsaw," he groaned out loud.</p>
<p>Testing games wasn’t precisely his dream job, but his programming skills had proven to be too abhorrent to get into the game industry as a developer. In fact, his moping over how jobless, talentless and basically miserable he was had apparently been so remarkable that Sollux had had the benevolence of putting in a good word for him at the company he worked at, which in turn offered Karkat a semi-regular job as a game tester. It had been a blow to his pride to see his career crash before him, but he was secretly filled with gratitude and, as it turned out—although he had never considered himself much of a gamer—he was pretty decent at finding and recreating bugs.</p>
<p>Or he usually was, anyway.</p>
<p>He rubbed his eyes and ran his fingers through his thick hair and all the way back to his neck, then pressed his face to his cluttered desk and exhaled very slowly. This was getting ridiculous; his life was spiraling out of control at a staggering speed and all for what? That ridiculously handsome hipster douchebag at Starboons who he had been going out of his way to stare at for the past two weeks? He didn't even have a passion for coffee to justify the trip or the void that it had created in his wallet; he just drank it to stay caffeinated through his perpetual state of crunching to meet deadlines.</p>
<p>"This has nothing to do with that insufferable jerkfuck. For fuck’s sake, get a grip, Karkat!" he reminded himself.</p>
<p>He grabbed his phone. Someone had to pay for his crabby mood and the Universe demanded it was Eridan. He was the one who had kick-started his descent to insanity, after all, even if he didn't know.</p>
<p><span class="karkat"> carcinoGenetist [CG]</span> <span class="black"> began trolling </span> <span class="eridan"> caligulasAquarium [CA]</span> <span class="black"> at 10:06</span></p>
<p><span class="karkat"> CG: HEY, ASSHOLE.</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: ARE YOU AWAKE?</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: I HOPE YOUR NOTIFICATIONS ARE ON AND MY INSISTENT PINGS DRILL THROUGH YOUR THICK PRINCELY SKULL OR WHATEVER THE FUCK UNTIL YOU'RE *LITERALLY* FORCED TO GET OUT OF YOUR PATHETIC DREAM JUST TO BEG ME TO STOP.</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: BUT GUESS WHAT? I WON'T BE GIVING YOU THE SATISFACTION, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF PRICY ROYAL FILTH. YOU'LL IMPLORE ME FOR MERCY WITH TEARS IN YOUR EYES… ALAS, ALL YOU WILL GET IS MY CONTEMPT AND THE CERTAINTY THAT YOUR STUPID FACE IS THE SECOND MOST VOMIT-INDUCING THING TO EVER GRACE THIS BITCH OF A PLANET…</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: RIGHT AFTER YOUR IDIOTIC CAPE AND SILLY LITTLE BOWLING SHOES. SERIOUSLY, WHO WEARS THAT?</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: JUST TELL ME THIS, ERIDAN, WHO THE FUCK WEARS CAPES CASUALLY?</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: MASSIVE RODS LIKE YOU IS WHO.</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED WHAT US MERE MORTALS THAT HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF KNOWING YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH ON THE DAILY?</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: CAN YOU GRASP THE VISCERAL HATRED YOU STIR IN ME WITHOUT EVEN TRYING?</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: WAIT, I SEE YOU TYPING. TO WHICH I SAY: STOP RIGHT THERE.</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: AND MOST IMPORTANTLY SCRATCH EVERYTHING I JUST SAID. KNOWING YOU, YOU PROBABLY GET OFF THINKING I HATE YOU ALREADY (THANKS FOR THAT MENTAL IMAGE, BY THE WAY, I FUCKING HATE IT).</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: SO LET ME BE CRYSTAL CLEAR: THIS IS *NOT* BLACK FLIRTING AND I ASSURE YOU IT WILL NEVER BE. NOT NOW, NOT IN A MILLION SWEEPS AND BASICALLY NOT EVER IN ANY CAPACITY OR ITERATION OF THE WORD.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwoww kar</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat an intense and frankly desperate thing to say to a friend this late in the mornin</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: I HATE YOU SO MUCH I THINK I MAY HAVE IRONICALLY ENDED UP TROLLING MYSELF JUST NOW. </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: PLATONICALLY. I HATE YOU *PLATONICALLY*. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: im flattered to be in your thoughts i really am but as a friend i feel like i havve to break it to you</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: i wwas regrettably wwide awwake and your shameless flirtin didnt have the desired effect a wwooin me im afraid</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: GOD, SHUT UP. WHY WOULD YOU TURN THIS AROUND TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE *YOU’RE* THE ONE REJECTING *ME*? I’M NOT THE DESPERATE SADFUCK AROUND HERE, REMEMBER?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwell excuse me but you literally havvent stopped sayin you hate me for twwo minutes straight so im gettin some mixed signals here</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: youre alwways wwelcome to try a paler approach you knoww since you obvviously lack the required hatred for any sorta blackrom wwith me</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhich is apparently a recurrin thing in my life anywway</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHAT PART OF I'M NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, YOU NUMBFUCK? </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG:(HAVING SAID THAT, YOU ALREADY KNOW I’M HERE TO TALK IF YOU NEED IT).</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: thanks kar i really appreciate it</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YEAH, WHATEVER. WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU SLEEPING ANYWAY? DID SOMEONE BREAK YOUR HEART AGAIN? I THOUGHT SLEEPLESS MORNINGS WERE MY THING, NOT YOURS. OR OURS, FOR THAT MATTER. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: id rather not get into the deep muddy wwaters that are my plentiful romantic troubles and evverlastin loneliness right noww if thats okay</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YEAH, SURE. HANG IN THERE, MAN. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: yeah im tryin</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: to answwer your other question i lost all sense a time cause i wwas vvery invvested in this movvie </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: OH. WHICH MOVIE? </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: you probably knoww it its about this highblood that falls in lovve wwith a lowwblood</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: THAT’S A SOLID REFERENCE, IT’S NOT LIKE THERE ARE A TRILLION MOVIES WITH THAT SAME EXACT ARGUMENT. </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: I’M GONNA NEED YOU TO BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT, GENIUS.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: ehhhh</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: one of the main characters is a wwhore</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: ERIDAN.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: thats not my judgement kar</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: shes literally a hooker</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: as in she shags for a livvin</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: MY MISTAKE THEN.</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: HOLD UP. IS THE OTHER CHARACTER... PERHAPS... A STONE COLD BUSINESSMAN WHO’S TERRIBLE AT QUADRANTS?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: hes a businessman alright but hes not terrible hes like</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: suavve</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: OF COURSE YOU’D THINK THAT.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhy do i feel like this is a dig at me</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: BECAUSE IT IS, STUPID. IF I GUESSED THE MOVIE RIGHT, HE FUCKING SUCKS.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: maybe wwere not evven talkin about the same thing</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: NO, I’M PRETTY SURE WE ARE AT THIS POINT.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: howw are you so sure</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME TYPE THE TITLE?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: if you lovve yourself evven just a bit you can sorta copy and paste it instead</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: genius</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: HERE GOES NOTHING:</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: "In Which Indigoblood Corporansacker And Notable Casanova Edward Lewis (Played By Troll Richard Gere) Encounters Illicit Bronzeblood Pleasure And Genetic Material Provider Vivian (Played By Troll Julia Roberts And Supported By Troll Laura Giacomo, who plays Her Rustblood Associate And Moirail) And Pays Her To Drive A Manual Gear Selecting Four Wheeled Device He Has Borrowed From His Trusty Intimidatvocate (Played By Troll Jason Alexander) To Luxury Respitecluster, Where He Hires Her Not Only For Her Expected Services (Which He Does), But Also To Play Pretend Matesprit For A Week To Attain Pail Insurance After Flushed Rupture; Following A Lot Of Shenanigans (Among which: A Dramatic Makeover, Several Sensual Scenes, A No Kiss On The Lips Rule, Grubhood Dreams Of Fairytale Knights On White Steeds Saving Princesses, A Hoofbeast Race, Multiple Social Standing Difference Conflicts, An Almost Love Confession, A Serious Reconsideration Of Careers On Both Leads’ Sides, A Failed Business Deal In Favor Of Character Growth And An Inappropriate Pitch Solicitation Which Turns to Ashen Vacillation Upon Further Consideration And Finally Results In A Physical Altercation That Leads To A 4.62 Sweep Relationship Termination), A Now Highly Lovestruck And Morally Reformed Highblood Asks His Lowblood Love Interest To Stay With Him For One Last Night (Not Because He’s Paying, But Because She Wants To) To Which She Refuses; She Then Leaves With The Intention Of Venturing Into Newer Territories And Achieving A Higher Level Of Studies (By Leaving Supportive Moirail Behind); Ultimately The Male Lead Re-thinks His Life Choices While Heading To The Airport And Instead Detours To His Partner’s Subgrub Hive With A Beautiful Blossom Vessel In Hand To Put A Lid To The Previously Mentioned Fairytale Metaphor, Overcoming The Blood Obstacle And His Fear Of Heights Through The Raw Power Of Love In The Process. Relevant Counters Include: 10 Kisses On The Lips, Possibly More Than 4 Buckets Filled Off Camera, 44 Fancy Cutlery Tines And At Least 10 Lavish Outfits."</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: hm</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: yeah thats the one</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: it wwas so good</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: the music wwas so catchy and there wwere some stellar getups like that wwhite button dowwn dress topped off wwith mid length glovves and a wwide brimmed sun hat</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: the black lace cocktail dress on the other hand wwas hideous and i havve a lotta things to say on the matter</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: WAIT, YOU LIKED IT?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: no im tellin you it wwas a poor fashion choice</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: I MEAN THE MOVIE, DID YOU LIKE *LIKE* IT?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: sure i did</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: you might not believve this kar but the class quandary struck a chord wwith me and i kept thinkin that it must havve been so hard for that bronzeblood to be constantly humiliated for somethin she cant change</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: she deservved to be treated like the princess she is</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: an irritatingly ill mannered princess but a princess still</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE BEING SERIOUS. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: the pitch to ashen vvacillation wwith that vvile intimidatvvocate had me on the edge a my seat too and the moirail farewwell scene made me tear up cause </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwell cause im wweak to that for reasons that youre already privvy to</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwait wwhy wwouldnt i be serious</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: HJSKADSJLFJSAEWFEFDEW</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: kar</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: kar wwhy are you keyboard smashin at me</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: I’M LOSING MY SHIT SO HARD RIGHT NOW THAT I COULD PUT UP A LOST GRUB ANNOUNCEMENT WHERE THE GRUB IN QUESTION IS REPLACED BY MY SHIT. I’VE NEVER FOUND A GOOD OCCASION TO RECOMMEND MOVIES TO YOU, MOSTLY BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER SHOWN ANY INTEREST IN ROMCOMS BEFORE; BUT *THIS* MOVIE IN PARTICULAR? IT’S ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITES. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: is it</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: NOT TO GET SAPPY ON YOU, BUT I RELATE A LOT TO VIVIAN’S BLOOD STRUGGLE AND KNOWING YOU’RE NOT ONLY EMPHATIC WITH HER SITUATION BUT ACTUALLY ALSO FEEL A CONNECTION WITH HER? I’M HAVING A MOMENT HERE. AN "I MAY OR MAY NOT BE GETTING TEARY EYED RIGHT NOW" MOMENT, TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: awwwwwwww</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i dont knoww wwhat to say to that kar</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: am i really makin you THAT emotional </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: just to check its me wwhos makin you emotional and not the lack of sleep right</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: WE’RE BONDING OVER A SHARED INTEREST FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SWEEPS, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME REGRET THIS.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: i wwont</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: cross my blood pusher its just</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: youvve nevver said anyfin like this to me</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: you barely refer to me as a friend</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: COME ON, WE TALKED ABOUT FISH PUNS; YOU DON’T NEED THEM.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwwwww</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: OF THE TOPIC AT HAND: ME NOT SAYING WE’RE FRIENDS 24/7 DOESN’T MAKE OUR FRIENDSHIP ANY LESS REAL? EVER HEARD OF OBJECT PERMANENCE, DUMBASS?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: at the risk a soundin like a fuckin idiot</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: you consider me a friend</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YEAH?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwoww</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: i</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: ALRIGHT. FUCK OFF ALREADY, ALL THIS SENTIMENTALISM IS MAKING ME SICK. ESPECIALLY SINCE MY INTENTION WAS TO GIVE YOU AN EARFUL, NOT A FREE DOSE OF VALIDATION. I MEAN, YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME FOR THAT, I GUESS. MY GENEROSITY TRULY IS UNMATCHED.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: oh yeah wwhy wwere you contactin me in the first place</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: OKAY SO, REMEMBER THE OTHER DAY WHEN YOU DRAGGED ME OUT OF MY HIVE AND RIGHT INTO A STARBOONS BY BRUTE FORCE BECAUSE "if youre gonna ovverwwork yourshell you might as wwell do it in a less depressing envvironment"?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: you dunce it doesnt make sense to use my quirk if youre paraphrasin wwhat i said instead a directly quotin me</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: and im pretty sure i NEVVER said anythin about shells</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: but i do remember</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: THE BLONDE BARISTA, DO YOU REMEMBER HIM TOO? </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: the one wwith the shades</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YES, THE ONE WITH THE SHADES. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat about him</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: HE IS SO PERFORMATIVELY PRETENTIOUS THAT I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL INTRIGUED.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat does that mean</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: HE'S SO… DOUCHEY HE MUST BE FAKING IT. HE HAS TO BE. SEE; YOU'RE A POSER BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU'RE POSING AS, RIGHT? OR RATHER, BECAUSE YOU *WANT* TO BECOME THE POSE. A CLASSIC CASE OF "CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN". WITH HIM IT'S LIKE HE'S CONSTANTLY PLAYING A PARODY OF A COOL KID AS A FUCKED UP WAY TO ACHIEVE A LEGITIMATE COOLNESS STATUS. SOMETHING DOESN’T ADD UP AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: uh ill just ignore you insultin me outta no fuckin wwhere but as a matter a fact no i dont knoww wwhat youre tryin to get at</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: AT FIRST I THOUGHT HE'S JUST YOUR AVERAGE TRY-HARD GUY, BUT UPON FURTHER CONSIDERATION I THINK HE'S… NOT THAT. HE ACTUALLY PUTS EFFORT INTO BEING THE LAMEST DOUCHEBAG AT THE STORE. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: kar im actually lost howw does any of that havve anythin to do wwith me</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, ASSWAD. IF YOU HADN'T FORCIBLY TAKEN ME THERE I WOULDN'T HAVE SEEN HIM. AND IF I HADN'T SEEN HIM, HE WOULDN'T HAVE PIQUED MY CURIOSITY. AND IF HE HADN'T PIQUED MY CURIOSITY, I WOULDN'T BE SPENDING A CENT ON THAT GODAMN OVERPRICED COFFEE SHOP AND I WOULD BE DOING MY JOB EFFICIENTLY INSTEAD OF WASTING TWO WEEKS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK'S UP WITH THAT GUY.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat youvve been goin to starboons on your owwn evver since i took you there </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: ohhhh</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: i see wwhere this is goin</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: youre gettin distracted at wwork because you keep thinkin about him huh</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YEAH, WISE GUY. GREAT READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhich one is it flushed or pitch</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: EXCUSE ME, WHAT? </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: your crush</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: NO. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat do you mean no</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: WE'RE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION, IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: karkat</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHY ARE YOU SAYING MY NAME? IT'S MAKING ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: karkat youre tellin me youvve been consistently sacrificin your mornins for twwo wweeks just because that guy is sooo lame</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU, YES. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: and you genuinely believve youre absolutely not crushin on him</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: THAT’S RIGHT. I GENUINELY BELIEVE I’M ABSOLUTELY NOT CRUSHING ON HIM.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: youre bee essin me and wwe both knoww it</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: I'M NOT. HE'S INTRIGUING, THAT DOESN’T MEAN I'M ABOUT TO JUMP INTO HIS ARMS.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: for howw perceptivve you usually are wwith romantic stuff you sure are bein dense about it</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: evven i can tell howw stupid you sound tryin to deny it</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YOU THINK THAT EVERYONE'S COMING ONTO YOU BECAUSE YOU INDISCRIMINATELY COME ONTO EVERYONE, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE'RE ALL LIKE YOU. IF CLUELESS WAS A NAME I BET MY ASS IT'D BE YOURS. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwell youre not wwide of the mark about that but no matter howw you look at it its obvvious that youre obsessin ovver that barista</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: if you end up gettin it on be sure to thank me you ungrateful bastard</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR WINDPIPE ALL THE TIME AND I HATE YOU.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: sure you do</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: OH, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT? IT'S TIME FOR ME TO FUCK OFF. SMELL YOU LATER. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: are you heading out somewwhere </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: UH, YES? BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM, I JUST NEED TO GRAB SOME COFFEE TO GET THROUGH THIS FUCKING GAME THAT'S DRIVING ME UP THE WALL. </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: STOP BEING SO NOSY, WILL YOU?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: you texted me of your owwn vvolition havve you forgotten </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: SCREAMING AT YOU WAS SUPPOSED TO RELIEVE MY STRESS, BUT YOU MANAGED TO RUIN THAT TOO, ASSWIPE. I ASSURE YOU I'LL UNLEASH MY FURY ON YOU FOR REAL NEXT TIME YOU TRY TO SCHOOL ME ON ROMANCE. WHICH, BY THE WAY, YOU KNOW SHIT FUCK ABOUT. </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: INCIDENTALLY SHIT FUCK IS WHERE IT'S AT. MY ABILITY TO CARE. </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YOU SHOULD BE SLEEPING, SO GO DO THAT. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: fine havve it your wway</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: dont make a fool of yourself and keep me updated </span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: UPDATED ON WHAT? ARE YOU EVEN READING ME? I'M ONLY GOING TO GET COFFEE. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I'M NOT LOSING SLEEP OVER AN IDIOT WHO WEARS MIRROR SHADES INDOORS. I ACTUALLY HAVE STANDARDS, UNLIKE A CERTAIN SOMEONE.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: aww look howw smitten you are already</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: its almost endearin</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: havve you talked to him</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: tell me more next time</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: ERIDAN, MY FINGER IS HOVERING OVER THE BLOCK BUTTON AS WE SPEAK, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? BECAUSE IT SURE SEEMS YOU'RE GUNNING FOR THAT RIGHT NOW. </span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: hm wwhatevver</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: havve fun</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: WILL DO.</span></p>
<p><span class="karkat"> carcinoGenetist [CG]</span> <span class="black"> ceased trolling </span> <span class="eridan"> caligulasAquarium [CA]</span> <span class="black"> at 10:42</span></p>
<p><span class="karkat"> carcinoGenetist [CG]</span> <span class="black"> began trolling </span> <span class="eridan"> caligulasAquarium [CA]</span> <span class="black"> at 10:42</span></p>
<p>
  <span class="karkat">CG: IF THAT HAD SOME KIND OF IMPLICATION TO IT: FUCK YOU.</span>
</p>
<p><span class="karkat"> carcinoGenetist [CG]</span> <span class="black"> ceased trolling </span> <span class="eridan"> caligulasAquarium [CA]</span> <span class="black"> at 10:43</span></p>
<p>After his rollercoaster of an exchange with Eridan, Karkat proceeded to suppress a growing identity crisis by pumping it up at his modest home gym for ten minutes. Everyone was surprised to discover that he was a bit of a workout addict upon meeting him, but the truth was that he was so pent-up with his daily life and job that he truly <em> needed </em>that release. The way he saw it, the energy he didn’t use up sitting all day had to go somewhere.</p>
<p>He hit the shower, threw on a pair of washed out jeans and a classic Steve Jobs turtleneck—both of which constituted approximately 90% of his wardrobe—and walked out the door. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but he was straining at the leash to see the coffee shop boy he genuinely believed he absolutely wasn’t crushing on.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>First thing he saw when he walked into Starboons was a middle aged human lady throwing a fit. He didn’t know what the offense had been, but judging by the expressions of every other customer, she was clearly blowing things out of proportion.</p>
<p>"You—What’s your name, <em> kid?"</em> she was telling an unphased barista, who of course happened to be <b> <em>the</em> </b> barista. </p>
<p>"Dave," he answered composedly as he subtly rearranged his name tag. So his name was Dave, somehow Karkat hadn’t been able to catch that in any of his previous visits.</p>
<p>"<em>David</em>. I know mistakes happen, but you have to understand I’m not only paying for the coffee here... Am I wrong to assume the price includes the service?"</p>
<p>"No, ma’am."</p>
<p>"Am I wrong to make a complaint if you messed up my order?" she continued, her perfectly manicured nails tapping the counter rhythmically for dramatic effect.</p>
<p>"No, ma’am," he repeated.</p>
<p>"Then would it hurt you to look a little more willing to serve me? I can excuse the mishap, but I’m getting the feeling you just don’t want to be here."</p>
<p>"Nothing further from the truth," he said in a monotonous tone that didn't precisely help his case. "As I said, I’m very sorry and I’ll gladly remake your coffee or refund you, if you'd like. We also have customer complaints at your disposal if you're not satisfied with the attention you're receiving," he recited like he knew the rowdy customer service protocol by heart, which he most likely did. </p>
<p>"Of course I'm not satisfied! Are you deaf? That's what I've been saying from the start! <em> The attention here is absolutely terrible</em>. What's that face supposed to be? If you're in the wrong you should at least have a well disposed smile to make up for it, don't you think?" </p>
<p>"This is my face, ma'am. Can't do anything about it. My best offer at this point is either a remake or a refund." </p>
<p>"I don't want a refund, I want to speak to the manager," she threatened. </p>
<p>"Sure, let me call him," Dave shrugged. </p>
<p>"—Wait. I don't actually have time for this, just remake it. Make sure it's soy milk this time, will you?" she sighed. "and don't overdo it with the ice, I don't like the texture."</p>
<p>"Soy milk, not too icy. Right up."</p>
<p>Dave began preparing another Iced Caramel Macchiato (not that Karkat knew what it was called) under the woman's unforgiving scrutiny. He managed not to look pressured in the slightest, but then again, he had a dispassionate aura to him that made it hard to guess what was going through his mind. That being said, he looked like he genuinely enjoyed the coffee making part of his job; he still wasn't smiling as he worked, but the corners of his mouth had relaxed into a softer line. His hands moved around the counter and across the coffee maker comfortably: First two pumps of vanilla syrup, then a scoop of ice, some soy milk, one shot of freshly made espresso and a generous caramel drizzle to top it off. The result was a beautifully crafted layered drink. Karkat was no expert, but he could tell the attention and care he had put into it. </p>
<p>When he turned to grab a plastic lid and hand the order over, he noticed Karkat and nodded at him to let him know that he'd be with him shortly. </p>
<p>"Find something?" he asked the problematic customer as she inspected the cup, blatantly looking for any fault in her drink that could justify her entitlement (and fortunately not finding any). </p>
<p>"Hmph. I was just making sure."</p>
<p>"Of course you were. If that's all… have a good one," he politely waved her off. She didn't even bother answering before striding out of the establishment like everyone else was lucky to be breathing the same air as her. Dave and Karkat exchanged a brief knowing look. "G’morning, what can I get you?"</p>
<p><strong>"</strong><b>I was actually wondering if I could get what she got?</b><strong>"</strong> Karkat asked and—by the way Dave winced—he knew he’d been too loud.</p>
<p>"An Iced Caramel Macchiato…?" he raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Well, if that’s what it’s called… You know, since you already made it."</p>
<p>"Oh, you literally want <em> hers. </em>Bro, I appreciate the sentiment, but we can’t do that." Of course he’d default to bro talk, Karkat thought.</p>
<p>"Oh."</p>
<p>"Yeah. Besides, isn’t that a bit too sweet for you?"</p>
<p><strong>"</strong><b>How </b> <b> <em>the fuck</em> </b> <b> do </b> <b> <em>you</em> </b> <b> know what’s sweet for </b> <b> <em>me</em></b><em><b>?</b><strong>"</strong></em> Karkat spat out of nervousness. "I mean, <em> how do you know that? </em> " he tried to soft-pedal his aggressiveness, but if anything it came out <em> more </em>aggravating. There was a shocked silence between both parties.</p>
<p>"Whoa, are you angry? I figured—You usually order Americanos with no sugar, right? So I—Uh. I didn’t mean to assume, I guess. Sorry if I offended you?" Dave’s face was still unreadable, but his tone gave away just how flustered he was. Karkat wanted to assure him he wasn’t angry at all, instead he said:</p>
<p><strong>"</strong><b><em>Shit</em></b><b><em>—</em>You remember me?</b><strong>"</strong> He was swooning so hard over this revelation that he tried leaning on the counter to calm himself down, but he miscalculated the distance and plummeted to the ground instead. <strong>"</strong><b>Fu—ck!"</b></p>
<p>"—Wh—?" </p>
<p>If they had been in a romantic comedy, this would have been a good <em>"record scratch, freeze frame" </em> moment, but since they weren't, the troll unceremoniously landed on his ass in as humiliating a way as one might conceive. Time might not have stopped, but Eridan’s words of wisdom did echo in his mind: "Don’t make a fool of yourself". Well, not only had he done <em> just </em> that, but he had also graduated top of his class, for good measure. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, but Dave poking his pretty head out to check on him was all it took for him to lose his last shred of dignity. Why hadn’t <em> anyone </em> laughed? He should be relieved, but instead he found himself thinking his performance was so poor in all fields that he couldn’t even get a miserable chuckle out of people when accidentally playing a classic funny stunt.</p>
<p>"—<em>Dude,</em> are you okay?"</p>
<p>"<em>Please, don’t ask,</em>" Karkat murmured as he attempted to get back on his feet, both figuratively and physically speaking. "I was <b> <em>not</em> </b> angry, by the way. I didn’t even mean to shout, but my volume o’meter is apparently as busted as my spatial perception. Believe me, I know my voice is annoying as fuck, I have to listen to it every time I speak." Confessing he hated himself in their first conversation was admittedly another power move of his, but when Dave controlledly snickered at him… he was almost grateful for being a complete idiot. Or he would have been if he wasn't also tragically dense <em> and </em> currently in denial about his crush. <em> Allegedly.  </em></p>
<p>"Pffft, that was your voice? No offense, my resting bitch face syndrome is right there with you, buddy."</p>
<p>"Yeah, can’t do anything about your face," Karkat shrugged. "You did a pretty good job with that if you ask me—<b>Fuck</b><strong>,</strong> not your face. I mean, your face is <em> fine,</em> but I was talking about your handling of the situation earlier."</p>
<p>"I really thought you were ‘bout to rate the crap out of my face for a hot second there, like: Dog, your mug is a solid seven out of ten. Got a few things you could work on, though."</p>
<p>"Haha… Uh, <b>no</b><strong>.</strong> You probably won’t believe this, but I’m usually not <em> this </em>stupid; it’s the lack of sleep." Why was he trying so hard to justify himself? </p>
<p>"Man, don’t sweat it. Come to think of it, aren’t trolls nocturnal? We don’t get many of you in the mornings."</p>
<p>"<em>Oh. </em> So that’s why you remember me."</p>
<p>"Well, there's also the fact that you're fucking shredded and generally hot as hell, but yeah, that too," Dave contemplated. "<em>Fuck</em>, did I say that out loud? Don't tell me I actually said that out loud."</p>
<p>Karkat couldn't even answer, so he gawked at the blond like a dumbass.</p>
<p>"—I totally did. <em> Way to go, Dave,</em>" he brought a hand to his face to hide what the shades couldn’t. "Look—I promise I’m not a creep. I'm just—not very good at filtering the shit that comes out of my mouth. Like, it’s an actual thing with me, so if you could ignore me, that'd be dope. That's right, just fucking ignore me. I think we can all agree it's a miracle that I didn't fly off the handle sooner, but my grip on that fucker can't be as tight as duck's ass all the time, can it? What I'm saying is: a dude's gotta sit back and loosen up his metaphorical bird asshole once in a while and just fucking watch that handle crash and burn in real time. Like I’m doing right now," he finished. Karkat continued to say nothing, mostly because he was very much still in shock. "<em>So</em>. Your coffee—Is it too late to ask how you want your coffee—?" </p>
<p>"—<em>What? </em>" </p>
<p>"Coffee?" Dave choked in a weird pitch.</p>
<p>"Oh, I'll have the usual," Karkat finally recovered. </p>
<p>"A Venti Americano to go? Or do you want to stick with the… Ahem, Macchiato?" </p>
<p>"First one’s good. Thanks."</p>
<p>"Your name?"</p>
<p>"Uh, Karkat."</p>
<p>"Karkat. Cool," he said as he grabbed a sharpie.</p>
<p>"<em>Cool.</em>"</p>
<p>Dave turned his back to Karkat as he prepared his order so that they could both freak out over their respective fuck-ups in peace and the latter took the opportunity to give the human the glad eye. He was on the skinnier side and his face was powdered with little freckles that scattered about his arms, hands and neck. His slight gradient undercut seamlessly bridged between his milky blond hair and his pale peachy skin and his sideburns might as well have been laser cut because he didn’t have a single hair out of place. Both of his ears were pierced and—now that he took a good look at them—<em>remarkably </em> flushed. Karkat wondered if that had anything to do with him, but more importantly: whether he was exhibiting a red to match.</p>
<p>"Sorry, this bad boy ran out of coffee. Be right back," Dave excused himself and disappeared into the storeroom for a full two minutes. </p>
<p>When he came back to finish his business, his ears were still red. An Americano was seemingly a pretty straightforward drink: four espresso shots with hot water. That was it; an ordinary uncomplicated, black coffee. Dave made it in the twinkling of an eye. </p>
<p>"Here it is at last. Be careful, it’s hot."</p>
<p>"Yeah, thanks." Karkat reached for the cup and their hands met only in passing, but it was enough to send his heart thumping. He paid and bobbed his head awkwardly, not knowing how to give their interaction closure.</p>
<p>"Uh. See you tomorrow?" Dave casually leaned back. He actually looked gorgeous in his stupid Starboons apron and his stupid black skinny jeans and stupider three quarters raglan tee. The bastard.</p>
<p>"Gotta get my daily caffeine dose somewhere," he brushed him off, like any coffee shop or barista would do as long as he got his coffee.</p>
<p>"Haha, sure. Have a nice day."</p>
<p>Karkat was very close to declaring himself lost and hopeless.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="eridan"> caligulasAquarium [CA]</span> <span class="black"> began trolling </span> <span class="karkat">carcinoGenetist [CG]</span> <span class="black"> at 21:12</span></p>
<p><span class="eridan">CA: kar did you make it out alivve</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: GREAT, JUST THE MOTHERFUCKER I WANTED TO TALK TO.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: really</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: NO.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: guessed as much</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: so</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GONNA ASK, SO I’LL SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE. HERE’S THE UPDATE YOU WERE DYING TO GET: I PULLED OUT ALL THE STOPS TO LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE NOOKSUCKER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AT STARBOONS AND NOW I CAN’T SHOW MY FACE THERE ANYMORE. THE FUCKING END.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhy wwhat happened</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YOU BETTER NOT LAUGH AT ME OR I’LL GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT. PROMISE?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: excuse me but wwho do you think youre threatenin wwith vviolence you savvage i could snap your neck in twwo wwith one hand if i wwanted</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: im not so stirred that id promise shit under these terms</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: THEN I’M NOT TELLING.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: then im not listenin</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: GOD, YOU’RE SO FUCKING CHILDISH. YOU KNOW MY THREATS ARE EMPTY ANYWAY.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: youre one to TALK</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: but so are mine</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: OKAY. FINE. I’LL TELL YOU, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I NEED TO GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM. PULL UP A CHAIR, MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE. WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: stop wwith the theatrics and get on wwith it stupid i dont havve all night im busy wwith a campaign you see</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: BEING AN INSTAGRUB INFLUENCER IS NOT A REAL JOB, YOU POSH GOOD-FOR-NOTHING CLOD.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: you say that but my 60k and steady income beg to differ howw much do you make again</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: OUCH. RIGHT WHERE IT HURTS, BUT I WALKED INTO THAT ONE.</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: DO YOU WANT TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED OR NOT?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: aye</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: LONG STORY SHORT, I TRIED BEING NICE TO THE BARISTA BECAUSE A FUCKING SNOB WAS CAUSING A RUMPUS AND I DON’T KNOW HOW, BUT I ENDED UP SCREAMING AT HIM AND SITTING ON MY ASS. ON THE FLOOR. AS IN, I FELL DOWN.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat do you mean you fell down you tripped or somethin</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: NO, I DIDN’T TRIP, I JUST FELL.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: you just randomly fell</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YEAH, ON MY ASS. WANT ME TO PROSIFY IT FOR YOU?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: are you hurt</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: SEE, NOW THIS IS JUST ANNOYING. WHY AREN’T YOU MAKING FUN OF ME *EITHER*? I’M TELLING YOU I, A GROWN ASS ADULT, TOOK AN ASS DIVE IN PUBLIC. I DIDN’T TRIP, THE FLOOR WASN’T WET, NO ONE PUSHED ME, I WASN’T DIZZY. NONE OF THAT, NO, I OUTRIGHT JUST LEANED ON A COUNTER. ONLY THERE WAS NO COUNTER, BUT PLENTY OF GROUND.</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHICH GOT CLOSELY ACQUAINTED WITH MY HINDQUARTERS. THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE HILARIOUS.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: you asked me not to laugh so i didnt and noww youre angry that i didnt wwhats up ww that</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: YOUR BULGE IS WHAT.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: such eloquence you really havve a wway wwith wwords</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: I GET THAT A LOT.</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: SO YOU DIDN’T LAUGH.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: no</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: NOT EVEN A LITTLE.</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: not really no</span> <br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHAT ABOUT A MILDLY AMUSED SNIGGER?</span> <br/><span class="eridan">CA: if that helps you cope sure i sniggered out loud readin about your misfortune like the amazin friend i am</span> <br/><span class="eridan"> <span class="karkat">CG: THANKS.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: dont you havve anythin more juicy for me</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: OH YEAH, ACTUALLY. SINCE YOU’RE SO INVESTED IN THIS MADE UP SCENARIO IN YOUR THINK PAN WHERE I’M LIVING A REAL LIFE COFFEE SHOP AU. WE MADE SMALL TALK TODAY. HIS NAME IS DAVE.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: first-name basis so soon wwhoa</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: did you get his number or his socials</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: MAYBE YOU MISSED THE "SMALL TALK" PART OF WHAT I JUST SAID. </span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I JUST *KNOW* YOU’RE WIGGLING YOUR EYEBROWS RIGHT NOW.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwrong my eyebrowws are perfectly still</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat did you twwo talk about</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: YOU KNOW.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: NOTHING IN PARTICULAR.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: WELL, THAT WOULD TECHNICALLY BE A LIE. AS I SAID, AN ENTITLED WOMAN WAS GIVING HIM A HARD TIME BECAUSE SOMETHING WAS OFF IN HER ORDER (WE’RE TALKING OLYMPIC LEVEL RUMPUS HERE, SHE THREATENED TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER AND EVERYTHING, BUT IT WAS ALL A BLUFF). ANYWAY, I FELT BAD SO I ORDERED THE SAME AS HER, BUT HE COULDN’T GIVE IT TO ME AND, AS IT TURNS OUT, HE REMEMBERED HOW I LIKE MY COFFEE? THAT WAS WHEN I SCREAMED IN HIS FACE AND FELL OVER, I’M NOT GOING INTO ANY MORE DETAIL THAN THAT. MOSTLY BECAUSE I WANTED TO DIE SO HARD I GAVE MYSELF AMNESIA. NOW HE PROBABLY THINKS I’M A WEIRDO THAT SHITS HIS PANTS IN PERFECTLY NORMAL SOCIAL INTERACTIONS.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: DISCLAIMER: I DIDN’T *ACTUALLY* SHIT MY PANTS. GOOD FUCKING GRIEF.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: oh my god kar</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I KNOW.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: HE’S NOT BETTER OFF THAN ME, IN ANY CASE. HE APPARENTLY HAS A SERIOUS CASE OF VERBIAGE AND YOU MIGHT THINK THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING, COMING FROM ME. BUT IT’S TRUE, HE HAS NO FILTER WHATSOEVER. HE JUST VOMITS WORDS.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: HE SAID I’M HOT.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: he said WWHAT</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: LIKE I SAID, HE HAS NO FILTER, HE DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE HE WAS SAYING IT OUT LOUD.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: hey thats good newws great newws evven</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: you humiliated yourself and he still fancies you</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: hes fuckin stupid and youre fuckin stupid</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhats twwo plus twwo</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: LET ME PULL OUT MY CALCULATOR REAL QUICK.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: AH, IT SEEMS TO BE FUCK YOU.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: maybe theres hope for you yet maybe you wwont die alone</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: SOMEHOW THAT’S DOING THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF BRINGING ME COMFORT. YOU'RE DEPRESSING, MAN.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: AND SINCE YOU KEEP FORGETTING THIS TINY DETAIL: I’M STILL *NOT* CRUSHING ON HIM. MY INTEREST IS MERELY SOCIOLOGICAL.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: you swwoon you sigh wwhy deny it</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I’M NOT EVEN DENYING IT, I JUST DON’T THINK I’M *THAT* FAR-GONE IS ALL.</span><br/><span class="eridan"> <span class="karkat"> <span class="eridan">CA: yet not that far-gone YET</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: kar this is your chance to livve out one of your romantic comedy fantasies you havve to fight tooth and nail for it</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: you dont knoww if or wwhen hell get bored</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: need i remind you that humans only havve one type a quadrant someone could snatch him from you right in front of your eyes</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE PUSHING YOUR INSECURITIES ONTO ME?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: because i dont wwant you makin the same mistakes i did</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: OH SHIT, I DIDN’T REALIZE WE WERE GETTING OURSELVES INTO A FEELINGS JAM. IS THAT WHAT’S HAPPENING? BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE DUMBSHIT THAT DIDN’T QUITE PICK UP ON THE DRESS CODE AND TURNS UP AT THE PARTY WITH A TRACKSUIT AND FLIP FLOPS WITH SOCKS.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: karkat</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: THERE YOU GO SAYING MY NAME. I GET IT, IT’S THAT SERIOUS. I’LL SHUT UP NOW.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i knoww you havve a lot more redeemin qualities than me but you saww howw i fucked up all my relationships because im a stuck up taxin cunnin asshole no one can stand</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: THAT’S NOT NECESSARILY TRUE.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: let me finish</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: nevver not evven once in my romantic or platonic life wwas i honest about my intentions or feelins</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i wwas too cowwardly to tell fef i wwanted somethin more and by the time i told myself i could do it she didnt wwant me in any quadrant</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i really wwas out there braggin about howw wwe wwere destined to be together wwhile she wwas mullin ovver howw to break up wwith me</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: not that i can precisely complain about it because i wwas selfishly using my moiraillegiance wwith her as a steppin stone</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: my kismesissitude wwith vvris was nothin short of bitter either she saww me as a disposable tool from the start and i wwas so afraid of rejection that i wwent around beggin anyone to auspistice for us</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: it didnt cross my mind to ask her if that wwould solvve anythin betwween us i wwas convvinced it wwould as a matter a fact</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: and i wwas so fuckin jealous and defeated about evverythin that i pressured sol and put kan against the ropes to the point i lost any chance of being their friend let alone anythin remotely pitch or red or ashen</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: and noww after all this time i finally see myself for wwhat i wwas</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: a dishonest opportunist prick</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i didnt say wwhat mattered wwhen it mattered most and i regret it evvery single day</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: so if theres the slightest possibility of this being flushed you should hold onto it for dear life so that you wwont end up havvin any regrets</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: shit i cant evven see the screen anymore</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: ERIDAN?</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: ARE YOU CRYING?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i dindt mean t talk about this i dont knoww wwhat happened</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i thnk</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i think i havve hit rock bottom</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: im so pathetic</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: FUCK, MAN, YOU’RE NOT. YOU’RE NOT PATHETIC.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: IF YOU WERE FEELING LIKE THIS YOU SHOULD HAVE REACHED OUT SOONER.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: im too clingy as it is</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: SO WHAT IF YOU ARE. WHAT ARE FRIENDS IF NOT PEOPLE THAT PUT UP WITH EACH OTHER’S BULLSHIT? I SHOULD HAVE PRESSED ON THE MATTER WHEN YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ROMANTIC TROUBLES EARLIER. IN HINDSIGHT, THE WHOLE "I'M NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU, YOU DESPERATE FUCK" THING MIGHT HAVE BEEN INSENSITIVE ON MY PART. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT. NOTHING TRULY HURTFUL, AT LEAST.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: that wwas you messin ww me like wwe alwways do right you dont need to explain yourself</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: its not like youre wwrong about me bein a desperate fuck </span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU, ERIDAN? SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN TELL ME.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i dunno its humiliatin to admit but</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: the loneliness must be gettin to my head</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: and i dont havve the confidence to do anythin about it anymore</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: IS THIS ABOUT SOMEONE IN PARTICULAR?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhen is it not</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO VAGUE? IS THAT AN INVITATION FOR ME TO GUESS OR TO KINDLY FUCK OFF? BECAUSE YOU CAN BE DIRECT ABOUT EITHER.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: guess</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: IS THIS ABOUT FEFERI OR SOLLUX? PLEASE, DON’T ANSWER YES.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i nevver stopped missin her</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: BUT IT’S ABOUT HIM.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: yeah</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I THOUGHT YOU TRYING TO GET HER TO AUSPISTICE YOU GUYS WAS JUST, HOW DO I PUT THIS, YOU TRYING TO BREAK OFF WHAT THEY HAD AND FIND A WAY BACK INTO HER LIFE. WASN’T IT?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: it wwasnt as much of a ruse as it wwas me genuinely tryin to figure out my feelins</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i wwont lie i wwas foamin at the mouth wwhen she left me to havve wwhat i wwanted wwith her wwith someone else and it stung pretty bad that on top of it all it wwas a bipolar mustardblood wwith a lisp</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: god knowws ivve changed my vviewws evver since about castes i mean</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: anywway i hated him obvviously</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: he stole evverythin that wwas dear to me and looked stupidly smug about it howw could i not hate him</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: *THAT* WAY?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i guess</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: but heres the twwist wwhen I saww them flirtin i didnt knoww wwho to be jealous of</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: OH FUCKKKK. THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING. YOU WERE VACILLATING WITH HIM, BUT STILL FELT SOMETHING OF THE REDDER KIND FOR HER? I THOUGHT, IF ANYTHING, YOU'D BE BLACK FOR HIM.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i nevver figured it out</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat i wwanted from them</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHAT ABOUT NOW?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i dont really knoww</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: ivve already accepted fef and i arent gettin back together</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: she forgavve me and that should be enough</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: its more than wwhat i deservve thats for sure</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: SO, FEFERI IS OUT OF THE EQUATION. WHAT INCLINATIONS DO YOU HAVE TOWARDS SOLLUX?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: black leanin but wwhat does it matter</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: he hates me beyond redrom and beloww blackrom all in all i dont think he likes me vvery much</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: no its wworse than that he doesnt givve a shit about me</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i jst dont make a difference in his or anyones life kar do i</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: SHIT. ARE YOU STILL CRYING?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: sorry</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHAT ARE YOU APOLOGIZING FOR? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. LIKE HOW YOU ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF ME AND I GET TO SCREAM AT YOU EVERY DAY? THAT'S A DIFFERENCE.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: haha youre awwful</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: FOR REAL. WHO WOULD I GOSSIP WITH IF I DIDN'T HAVE YOU? THINK ABOUT THAT.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: BUT LET'S NOT GET SIDETRACKED HERE, OKAY? HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO THEM LATELY?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: no not much</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: and especially not about any of this</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i cant</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHY?</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: RIGHT, YOUR CONFIDENCE.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: LET ME THINK. THIS IS A STICKY SITUATION YOU'RE IN, BUT THERE'S ALWAYS A WAY AROUND THESE THINGS. I DON’T THINK SOLLUX IS SEEING ANYONE RIGHT NOW AND MAYBE HE’S NOT *THAT* INDIFFERENT ABOUT YOU? THAT BASTARD IS CAGEY ABOUT THINGS.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: you and he are inseparable arent you</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING I GET SOME INTEL? BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT. I CAN ASK CASUALLY.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: no</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: kar i can tell youre squeezin your brain tryin to come up ww a solution but its not like you can change peoples hearts so dont bother</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: airin my grievvances made me feel better already so</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: thanks for listenin</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: OKAY, MAYBE I CAN’T FIX YOUR ROMANTIC LIFE (I’M NOT RULING THAT OUT YET), BUT I SURE AS HELL CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT LONELINESS OF YOURS. HOW ABOUT WE HANG OUT TOMORROW?</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: JUST TWO BROS *NOT* BROODING OVER THEIR UNFULFILLED QUADRANTS OR PLENTIFUL REGRETS?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i honestly dont think im up to it emotionally</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: GOD, ERIDAN. THAT’S EXACTLY THE POINT. I’M NOT LETTING YOU DWELL IN MISERY IF I CAN HELP IT.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i appreciate it</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: but you dont havve to force yourself</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: HOW ABOUT THIS, I’LL TAKE YOU TO STARBOONS SO YOU CAN BUY A MAGNILOQUENT OVERPRICED PIECE OF SHIT DRINK WITH AN UNPRONOUNCEABLE NAME THAT WILL LOOK GORGEOUS IN YOUR COLOR COORDINATED FEED. I'LL EVEN BUY ONE TO MATCH SO THAT YOU CAN KILL TWO TALONSCREECHERS WITH ONE STONE AND BRAG ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL LIFE TO YOUR CLIQUE OF PSEUDO CELEBRITY BOOTLICKERS.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: that sounds like an offer i cant refuse</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: GREAT. SO IT'S DECIDED.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: your crush wworks all wweek right</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: ...</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT MAYBE YOU WERE ONTO SOMETHING WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE A STUCK UP TAXING CUNNING ASSHOLE.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: rude</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: didnt you wwant to cheer me up thatd cheer me right up</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: STATE YOUR INTENTIONS CLEARLY AND I’LL CONSIDER IT.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i didnt get a good look at him last time</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: SO WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU THERE SO THAT YOU CAN TAP THE GLASS OF THE MONKEY CAGE?</span><br/><span class="eridan"> <span class="karkat"> <span class="karkat"> <span class="eridan">CA: let me havve my fun kar i just wwant to see for myself</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: the monkey that managed to seduce the infamous karkat vvantas</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: YOU’RE SO INSUFFERABLE THAT I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY TO ARGUE ABOUT ME NOT HAVING A FUCKING CRUSH ANYMORE. I WON’T EVEN COMMENT ON THE MONKEY THING.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: so are wwe goin or not</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I PROMISE UNDER OATH THAT NOT GETTING LAID WILL BE THE LAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS IF YOU EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF HIM. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I’M 100% GONNA REGRET THIS, BUT MEET ME AT TEN THERE.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwonderful ill see you then</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: try not to look too unpresentable</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: ERIDAN, WAIT.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat noww</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: WILL YOU BE OKAY?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: ivve been wworse dont wworry</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: DUDE, OF COURSE I’D WORRY IF YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i havve wwork to keep me busy until wwe meet up so ill be fine</span><br/></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></p>
<p><span class="eridan"> caligulasAquarium [CA]</span> <span class="black"> ceased trolling </span> <span class="karkat">carcinoGenetist [CG]</span> <span class="black"> at 22:22</span></p>
<p>Karkat was left with an uneasy feeling; Eridan never refused a hang out, he never played down his emotions or dismissed anyone’s words of concern or attention. Since he lived in a perpetual state of lonesomeness, sometimes it was hard to take him seriously, but Karkat felt like he had failed him as a friend.</p>
<p>He stared at the options on the multiple screens in front of him: "Resume", "Quit game". He sighed, selected the latter and turned off his computer. There went another perfectly wasted night, but he figured he’d need all the sleep he could get to deal with whatever nonsense Eridan, Dave, or even himself would come up with next morning.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Doppio + Grande Decaf Soy Latte</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>By the time Karkat realized he was half an hour early, his hand was on the knob of the Starboons door. He considered killing some time walking around, but when Dave spotted him and did a non-committal head nod in his direction he thought better of it.</p><p>"Yo. It’s you again," Dave called. His tone was as unaffected as always. </p><p>"It’s me again," he nodded back. "<em>What do you mean it’s me again? Asshole,</em>" he thought to himself.</p><p>"So, what will it be today?"</p><p>"Hmmm..." Karkat scanned the menu board. There were so many options that he actually had to crane his neck to get the whole picture. If he was about to misspend money, he might as well try something new. That was the thing, though, he had learned how to order what any—unconceited—guy next door would call a "black coffee", but the rest of the drinks' names remained a mystery. </p><p>"Need some help choosing?" Dave must have noticed his indecision because he chimed in, hands in his pockets for extra cool points. "I see we’re spicing things up today, maybe you’d like to try something different?"</p><p>"Sure, why not. What do you recommend?"</p><p>"If you want to keep it simple and strong your best bet is an Espresso or a Doppio. If, however, you want to take it down a notch, we have quite the range of drip coffee roasts, like our classic Blonde or Pike Place. They’re a lot subtler, but more nuanced. And finally, if you want to get into milkier—more sugary—territory... That’s an entirely different question, but you don’t strike me as the sweet type, so I won’t harp about it if it’s not your thing," he exposed. "Correct me if I’m wrong."</p><p>"Uh," Karkat’s jaw nearly dropped and he definitely scrunched his nose. He had to physically fight back a rude remark. The word "smarty-pants" didn’t do Dave justice, that was a fact.</p><p>"—You don’t have a clue about what I’m saying, right?" His voice was unexpectedly full of regret.</p><p>"For all intents and purposes, assume I’m a fucking uneducated swine."</p><p>"Shit, no. You’re good. I’m just a fucking snob. Let me try again?" </p><p>When Karkat thought he had the blond figured out, he did something to prove him wrong. He had been under the impression that Dave was just one of those stone-cold hipsters that believe they’re better than everyone else because they never show emotion and know their shit about some stupidly specific thing including, but not limited to: Soundcloud bands no one—except <em> literally </em> everyone—knows about, absurdly niche and/or obscure memes, eco-friendly silicone water bottles and random coffee trivia. Now, he definitely gave off that vibe, but surprisingly enough he had an awkward, humble and approachable side to him. One that made Karkat go from "Everything about this dude’s existence annoys me," to "He’s actually a pretty decent guy".</p><p>"You may have to pull out your <em> Coffee For Dummies,</em>" he snapped out of it.</p><p>"I’m gonna give you three options and we can see from there, sounds good?" he offered. "So basically, you have idiot-proof coffees—like the Americano you usually drink—Wait, I’m not calling you an idiot. Sorry. I meant it more like: picture a coffee without fancy add-ons. Boom, you get these. Then there are really, <em> really </em> milky coffees and foamy coffees."</p><p>"Tell me more about the <em> idiot-proof </em> types."</p><p>"Aight. The strongest is Espresso, which is—plainly speaking—a solo shot made with that machine over there. If you want more shots, you get a Doppio. Drip coffee is just filtered coffee. These are all plain black, but you can knock yourself out and ask for milk, cream or a shit ton of other hella toppings. Not that intimidating now, is it?" he almost smiled.</p><p>"Extras are still scary, so I think I’ll go for one of those Doppios...?" Karkat asked more than he affirmed. "<em>Really, Karkat? Still scary?"</em> he mentally berated himself.</p><p>"Nice. Less scary coffee coming right up." Dave was seemingly above laughing like a normal person, but he did blow air through his nose in replacement. "To go?" </p><p>"To have here. Thanks." Just as he said this, his phone started pinging repeatedly. He read diagonally, but he gathered that Eridan was in a whiny mood because someone had stepped on his immaculate pearly white boat shoes. Not that the specifics really mattered; everything was an offense to his illustrious person. "I feel like I'll be needing that caffeine rush."</p><p>"Having a bad morning?" Dave turned a bit. </p><p>"No, but I’m about to."</p><p>"Aw, man, how c—" A call cut Dave off.</p><p>"Sorry. Let me just—" Karkat pointed at his phone. "Wh—What the fuck are you whining about, I can’t even understand you. Yeah. I actually got here early, so—What? Yeah, I read that. Who cares about your stupid shoes? I am, in fact, rolling my eyes... <em> No?</em> <em> Are you a fucking moron?  </em>Why do I have to deal with you on the phone on top of—" he realized he was starting to raise his voice and consciously lowered it. "... Just get your ass over here, okay? I’m hanging up."</p><p>"Wow," Dave commented. "I don’t mean to go eavesdropping, but that bad, huh?"</p><p>"You don’t even know."</p><p>"Here’s your Doppio. I hope it’s caffeinated enough."</p><p>"I’ll let you know."</p><p>Karkat got seated and it wasn’t long before Eridan made one of his memorable oblivious paparazzi snap style entrances, phone in hand for added poise. He had ditched the cape, thank God for that, but everything about him screamed <em> dumb rich with a side of daddy issues </em> (which wasn’t even a thing in troll terms)<em>. </em> He had combined a tight fitted soft violet turtleneck with pale yellow pleated pants and a matching blazer (that he had carefully draped over his shoulders to make himself look casual, <em> obviously)</em>. His ankles were bare and he was wearing the aforementioned white boat shoes, as well as several golden rings, a golden watch to match and a pair of vintage Gucci sunglasses. In conclusion: an outfit that had been designed with the sole purpose of spitting on everyone else’s disastrous fashion sense, but more <em> specifically </em> Karkat’s.</p><p>His flashy facade crumbled when he picked out Karkat from the crowd and threw himself into his arms like they hadn’t seen each other in years.</p><p>"<em>Oh, Kar!"  </em></p><p>"God, can’t you greet me like a normal person?"</p><p>"What are you on? This is a perfectly normal greetin’," he said as he swapped his sunglasses for his regular glasses. Up close, his eyes were totally swollen.</p><p>"You look like shit, man. Did you sleep at all?"</p><p>"No, but I did cry a lot. More importantly, do you know what a hair brush is?" he returned sarcastically, ruffling Karkat’s hair just to be annoying. "Hang on, I’ll go get somethin' to drink."</p><p>"Suit yourself, asshole."</p><p>Eridan approached the counter to find a clearly stupefied Dave. They looked each other up and down with hardly any subtlety for some fatidic moments (in which Karkat was practically clawing his thighs) before Dave spoke.</p><p>"Good morning. What can I get you?"</p><p>"Mornin’. A Grande Decaf Soy Latte, please. Oh, add a Yuzu Chantilly Cream Cake to that, will you? Kar, want somethin’?" he turned to Karkat and gestured at the cakes. </p><p>Karkat waved him off from his seat, feeling like he was losing years of his life with every second Eridan and Dave were in near proximity. He actually sighed in relief when his friend safely made it back to him.</p><p>"What are you so tense for, don’t you trust me? Not even a little bit?" Eridan complained.</p><p>"Please, just sit down." </p><p>Eridan did, only he strategically repositioned his chair to have an unobstructed view of Dave. Unfortunately, that involved trapping Karkat between himself and the shop-window.</p><p>"He’s so fine, huh? Your crush," he said as he snapped a very staged picture of his order.</p><p>"Yeah, <em> thanks</em>, this is absolutely what I wanted to bring you here for." Karkat rotated Eridan’s cup so that the Starboons logo was visible in the picture. "Hipster showdown and everything. Was that you guys recognizing each other’s pedantry? I wouldn’t know because I’m not a snobbish cretin."</p><p>"Hah. He looks like an art school dropout with an unhealthy passion for flannel shirts and Converses... But I ain’t judgin’, he wears his brand well. I didn’t know that was your type?"</p><p>"He’s not my—You’re obnoxious and there’s <b>no way</b> he hasn’t realized you’re being a total weirdo. Oh my God, what if he thinks <em> I’m </em> weird too?"</p><p>"<em>Wha-te-ver</em>. How many times do I have to tell you that if you’re gonna dress up so... <em> borin’</em>, the least you can do is cuff your pants or roll up your sleeves? You’ve got a good body and it’s wasted in that unsightly turtleneck of yours... It’s actually vexin’ to be associated with you."</p><p>"I’m <em>sorry</em>, but have you <em>seen</em> <em>your crush</em>? He wears two different colored shoes, <em>for</em> <em>crying out loud</em>."</p><p>"I mean, sure. I never said he’s not a lame bastard? Deflectin' the conversation much?"</p><p>"You can't turn up dressed like you own everything and expect me not to look like I just woke up, which I did, incidentally." </p><p>"Is that a compliment or a dig?" </p><p>"<em>Take a wild fucking guess! </em>" Karkat threw his hands up. "Since I'm supposed to be cheering you up: you look like a trash bag still, but like, a hot golden trash bag with embedded Swarovski crystals. One only douchebags can afford."</p><p>"Aw, you’re just sayin’ that," Eridan laughed (much to Karkat’s ease). "This one thing about your outfit is botherin’ me so much that I—Can I just sorta—?" Eridan reached for Karkat’s collar and thoroughly adjusted it, seizing the opportunity to hold onto him needily. "As a general rule, foldin’ is better than scrunchin’."</p><p><strong>"</strong><b>Why don’t you scrunch this one?</b><strong>"</strong> Karkat pulled out his middle finger, but Eridan continued rearranging his clothes without a care. "<em>Seriously</em>, stop that."</p><p>"Kar, you don’t understand. Ankles and wrists are the way to people’s hearts. I keep tellin’ you, you can’t save your charms for later. For starters, what if there’s <em> no </em> later? You need to play your cards right."</p><p>"No. If you roll up my sleeves I’ll get cold."</p><p>"No, see here—"</p><p>"Dude, let go of my sleeve already."</p><p>"Let me see how it looks and then you can roll it back down."</p><p>"Shoo."</p><p>"<em>Kar</em>, stop fussin’, it’s just a sleeve."</p><p>"<em>Fuck </em> <b> <em>the fuck</em> </b> <em> off</em>, man."</p><p>"You’re so stubborn it’s almost laughable," said Eridan, who—in his struggle to make Karkat look decent—had almost clung into his lap.</p><p><strong>"</strong><b><em>I SAID FUCK OFF. WILL YOU STOP CLINGING ONTO ME? IT’S FUCKING EMBARRASSING. YOU’RE EMBARRASSING,</em></b><strong>"</strong> Karkat actually shouted. He caught a glimpse of Dave’s eyebrows shooting up in the distance and he instantly regretted everything. Eridan’s pout only accentuated the feeling; he looked legitimately hurt. "Alright. Okay. <em> Fine</em>. I’m sorry. Don’t make baby seal eyes at me, you can go on with your stylism outburst.”</p><p>"It’s just—" Eridan finally let go of him and placed his glasses on the table to rub his eyes.</p><p>"<em>Oh, man. Scene incoming,</em>" Karkat thought to himself.</p><p>"I feel like no one wants to get close to me. No, listen—Do you think I don’t notice? That I’m so high-maintenance that it’s drainin’ just dealin’ with me? That people don’t text at all if I don’t text first? That my whole personality is fuckin’ off-puttin’? That’s why I said you don’t have to force yourself to support me. You’re not bound to <em> any </em> a this."</p><p>"I may give you a lot of shit, but you’re really not <em> that </em> bad. Come here, idiot," Karkat sighed, pulling Eridan into a tight squeeze. Not even five seconds in, Eridan started crying into his shoulder.</p><p>"Kar, I—"</p><p>"Yeah, I get it. You’re lonely."</p><p>"Actually—"</p><p>"—And you don’t know how to talk to Sollux because you didn’t precisely part ways on good terms. But if we break down the facts, it makes perfect sense that he’d mistake any potential black feelings he might harbor for you for a legitimate non-flirty murderous rage. After all, it did look like you were trying to interfere in their matespritship—like, come on, you basically shoehorned yourself in there and prayed for no blisters. That’s not how new shoes work, you gotta test them out, wear better socks and have a band-aid in hand in case things get ugly. If I had to guess; I’d say you scared him off with your hot and cold approach; he’s unstable as it is, so you should focus on projecting some stability to compensate. That’s what the game’s gonna be about: compensating."</p><p>"K—"</p><p>"In any case you should start small, you know? See if you can spark some healthy rivalry now that he’s single. If I’m honest, when you confirmed my hunch that it was him I thought it just couldn’t work. <em> Nuh-uh, bad news</em>. but after some reconsideration… it doesn’t seem that implausible? You could honestly be a good match. And I’m not saying that to keep your hopes up. To stay on that shoe metaphor, your intensity is the flip to the flop that’s his disinterest. When you’re not flipping your shit, you’re practically complementary? Red and blue equals purple, spin the color wheel and you get yellow."</p><p>"K-kar, you—you’re asphyxiatin’ me—" Eridan called out.</p><p>"Shit, sorry. I’m not pressuring you or anything. Just thought I’d give you some—"</p><p>"No, you literally are—your grip... I can’t—breathe," he elaborated with difficulty. As it turned out, Karkat had been so invested in his compatibility analysis that he hadn’t realized his bear hug was truly suffocating Eridan. His face was a deep, <em> deep</em>, shade of purple and he had actual tears in his eyes.  </p><p><strong><em>"</em><em>Fuck,</em>"</strong> he unhanded him at once. "Dude, <em> what the fuck?"</em></p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"T-that should be my line. You literally have no business bein’ this jacked, you<strong>—</strong><b><em>you filthy muck veined scum</em></b><strong><em>,</em>"</strong> Eridan coughed.</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"Sorry about th—" Karkat started, but hastily wrapped it up when he realized everyone at the shop—all of them humans, for a supplement of otherness—was looking at them in horror. Dave, mop in hand, had a neutral expression in his face that somehow conveyed utter and complete disapproval. <em> Wonderful</em>.</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"Yeah, no problem, I forgive you. Just don’t hug me ever again if this is what it entails… Eugh. I feel dizzy."</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"Eridan."</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"Hm?"</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"I can’t blame you for this one, so I won’t, but we’re getting the fuck out of here."</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"What, why? I didn’t even get to finish my—" Karkat dragged him out of the store before the situation could get any more embarrassing.</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Grande Latte</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Finally some fluff!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took Karkat two whole days to decide to show his face at the coffee shop again. He kept telling himself it was because he had had to catch up with his—way due—work assignments and natural sleep cycle, but the honest truth was that ever since his first real conversation with Dave, he’d been actively sabotaging and ridiculizing himself to the point he was pretty much fed up with it.</p><p>Dave was wiping down the tables out at the terrace. He was wearing ripped skinny jeans, a red flannel shirt and a pair of classic red Converses to top it off (and prove Eridan right). </p><p>Karkat had a mini mental breakdown deliberating whether he should approach him or not; he didn’t want to corner him at work. Not any more than he usually did, in any case.</p><p>“<em>Morning,</em>” he finally murmured.</p><p>“Sup, how’s it going?” Dave answered coolly.</p><p>“I feel like I should apologize for the other day, so there it goes: sorry for making a scene.”</p><p>“All’s good, bro. The culture shock kinda fried my brain, but that was—probably acceptable etiquette for your species, right? <em> Customary</em>, the word I’m looking for is customary etiquette. I swear I’m not bigoted, I think, just sort of—a total ignorant, really. You left in a hurry, so I didn’t get the chance to apologize for outright staring.”</p><p>“Sorry? I think I’m <em> not </em> following.”</p><p>“Uh, you know. It might be culturally insensitive to say this, but I’m not used to public pseudo-sado-masochistic displays of affection and—”</p><p>“Okay, stop right there—<em>What? </em>”</p><p>“Could have totally phrased that better. I meant the hate-quadrant-thing where you choke your boyfriend and he calls you a bitch and everyone's cool with it? Don’t worry, I wasn’t listening in or anything, but he honestly had a face like he owns at least one yacht and says slurs as a hobby. Feels like the type that calls his dad ‘<em>papa</em>’, but ah, his flings? Those are always <em> daddies</em>—Wait, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here and <em> he’s </em> the daddy. Does the concept of sugar daddies and babies even exist if you don’t have regular dads <em> or </em>babies? How does that work?"</p><p>“You’ve <em> got to be kidding me</em>, can this conversation stop being a thing? <em> Specifically </em> a thing that’s happening to <em> me?”</em> Karkat groaned. “I wasn’t choking him. Well, in fairness I guess I <em> was?</em> But that was a <em> fucking </em> accident and is in no way acceptable public behavior... in any quadrant. <em> Ever</em>. <b> <em>God</em></b><b>, this is so fucked up I feel like yowling.”</b></p><p>“But then, was that some kind of domination kink or—?”</p><p>“<em>Wow, </em> <b> <em>no</em></b>. Don’t say whatever you’re about to say, <em> please</em>. Just don’t finish that sentence, I’ll pay you actual real money to <em> not </em> assume <em> anything </em> else and let me try to clear up this misunderstanding. First off—I <em> really </em> wasn’t trying to choke him, that was supposed to be a hug, but it went terribly, <em> horribly, </em>wrong.”</p><p>“...You don’t really have to explain. I apparently can’t keep my mouth shut to save my life and spat all of these uneducated facts like I’m your average alpaca. Or llama. I could never tell those fuckers apart, but I’m told they spit for dominance and I’m like ‘Well, shit, in that case what’s the fucking difference with those dudes that spit on the floor an unhealthy amount?’. Like, man, maybe you should learn how to keep your saliva in check—” Dave went off on a tangent just to land into another one straight away. “I did tell you I had a bit of a problem with filters, didn’t I? All this shit I’m saying? I don’t even process it, I just throw it out in the open.”</p><p>“...”</p><p>“Yeah. Awkward silence. <em> Cool</em>. I’ll be tapping my mouth shut in a non-sexual, non-shady metaphorical way, so... <em> please, go on</em>.”</p><p>“—Your verbal diarrhoea is running wild today, huh?”</p><p>“Wild and naked—<em>Fuck</em>. I can’t control it <em> at all </em> when things get awkward,” Dave confessed bashfully.</p><p>“No, no. Things aren’t awkward,” Karkat blatantly lied. “Okay, they are, but this is a pick your struggle sort of deal. You, me, we’re both losing face here. So, yeah... You might think I’m full of shit, but about the other day—” he began. “Wait, is this a bad time? Maybe you have stuff to do and I’m nagging you like you’re not entitled to have your table wiping moment in peace.”</p><p>“Nah, man, I can have my table wiping moment while you put me in my place.” Dave raised his head from the table as if he had just realized his choice of words might not have been the best.</p><p>“As far as I’m concerned that’s a perfectly reasonable idiomatic expression with no inferable innuendo whatsoever. You’re good.”</p><p>“Cool,” he resumed his task. “You were saying…?”</p><p>“There’s no sense in beating around the bush. As a general rule we, trolls, <em> don’t go strangling our dates or engaging in casual BDSM in public</em>. It’s just not a thing. Which brings me to my second fucking point, because this is literally stressing me out so much I might either combust or go bald: I honest to God wasn’t choking him. It’s probably my tenth time saying this already, but I hope you <em> understand </em> that I’m not some kind of—whatever you thought I was? <em> I’m just </em> <b> <em>not</em></b><strong>.</strong> I did scream at Eridan because he was getting <em> overbearing as fuck</em>, which I deeply regret and should not have done, but then he was about to cry (which, for the record; wasn’t my doing <em> either)</em> and of course I had to to do something about it. That’s what normal people do, right? Hug other people when they’re crying to show sympathy? Only that I’m apparently so fucking overpowered that I almost destroyed him." He paused to catch his breath. "I’m selling myself poorly here, but as I said, it wasn’t intentional.”</p><p>“Sure. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. My bad, totally.”</p><p>“Is that it? Did we just straighten that out?”</p><p>“Definitely. You’re crazy ripped, not a bad person and your boyfriend was just going through it. Simple stuff.”</p><p>“No, no, no. <b>No.</b><strong>”</strong></p><p>“<em>No?”</em></p><p>“My mistake, I forgot to clear up the biggest misunderstanding yet: that fucker is <em> not </em> my boyfriend.”</p><p><strong>“No?”</strong> Dave had the nerve to sound surprised. “<em>Damn</em>, he sure is touchy-feely.”</p><p>“More like <em> fucking desperate</em>, but I don’t hold that against him. For the most part, anyway. He’s not a terrible friend. Not to air my pals' business, but ‘going through it’ is an understatement with him, he <em> lives through it.</em>”</p><p>“Oh dang, I should have refrained from my judgment earlier.”</p><p>“You’re fine, he is kind of a dick, after all.”</p><p>“Aren’t we all deep down?”</p><p>“Yeah...”</p><p>"...Yup."</p><p>They entered a vicious cycle of nodding at each other “casually” to make up for the evident lack of conversation. </p><p>“We can keep doing this thing where I clean the same spot compulsively while we nod at each other (like we’re in the ultimate cowboy showdown) or I can break the ice by asking an awkward question, so I’m shooting my shot, duh… you’re not, like, taken?”</p><p>“Yeah. I mean, no. <em> I mean, I’m not</em>. You?” </p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“Is that so?”</p><p>“It is so. Very much so, even. Ahem—I think I’m done with the tables, do you wanna come in?” Dave offered. He held the door open for Karkat and they both walked in. “How about that Doppio last time? You liked it?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“Not life changing, then.”</p><p>“No disrespect, but I’m not really a coffee person and I can’t tell the differences all that much. So, it’s probably not a reflection on the coffee, but on me.”</p><p>“Yo, I hear you, coffee is an acquired taste. Until you get there, it’s a dirt and soap party for your taste buds. Let me get behind the cash register real quick so I can take your order—” he excused himself as he shimmied in. “You just drink it for the caffeine kick, right?”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>“But you don’t take sugar. That’s, like, the other big boost tee em.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, I don’t particularly enjoy the feeling of vibrating, being hyper and then hitting a low and feeling like utter shit when I should be sleeping. Happened once and I don’t want to risk it.”</p><p>“The coffee jitters.”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“What you’re describing are coffee jitters. That’s probably not the sugar, or not entirely. Smart ass comment sponsored by your local barista, but that’s just your body telling you you’re over caffeinated and should consider calming your tits. And possibly drinking some water. How many cups did you have when that happened, anyway?”</p><p>“Uh, multiple?”</p><p>“There you go.”</p><p>“So coffee can do that to you? Consider my mind blown, my socks positively knocked off,” Karkat mimicked an explosion with his hands and felt stupid almost immediately.</p><p>“Absolutely. Spiking your heart rate, turning up your blood pressure, making you a shaky and anxious mess, fooling your stupid brain into believing it’s not fucking wasted… Generally speaking, coffee can <em> and will </em> be a lil bitch to you,” Dave shrugged.</p><p>“<em>Shit.</em>”</p><p>“Yeah, dude, science or some shit.”</p><p>“Remind me why I even drink it? Telling me coffee is basically terrible in every way might not be the publicity stunt you think it is.” Karkat found that teasing Dave came pretty naturally to him. For the first time, Dave actually smirked.</p><p>“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Who even said that… Francis Bacon? But you get the drift.”</p><p>“That quote explains a lot of things about you, actually.”</p><p>“<em>Rude</em>,” Dave clutched his imaginary pearls. “You wanna order or did I scare you off for real?”</p><p>“Har, har, <em> no</em>. I want a milky coffee.”</p><p>“A Latte is it? Damn heroic. Size?”</p><p>“Not Venti?”</p><p>“Haha, so Grande? To go?”</p><p>“Yeah and yeah. So what’s this one made of? Espresso and milk?”</p><p>“Pretty much. It also has a layer of foam.”</p><p>The conversation died out as Dave prepared Karkat his coffee, but it was—thankfully—not as awkward as it had been in previous episodes. Karkat still maintained his opinion that Dave was a showy idiot (he seemed to be a magnet for the type because both Eridan and Sollux fit that category as well), but he supposed there was a lot more to him than his snootiness or inability to stop talking. He could actually feel some kind of familiarity growing between them and it was not unwelcome.</p><p>“Ah, I missed how you made that,” Karkat observed when Dave handed him the cup. “Thanks. I’ll come sue you if I get any funny symptoms.”</p><p>“Come at me, bro—” he sneered. “—<em>Karkat? </em>” Karkat almost jumped when he heard his name. “Is it okay if I call you that? Since you’re a bit of a regular customer already.”</p><p><strong>“<em>Be my guest,</em>”</strong> Karkat asserted as he walked away, dismissively waving his hand.</p><p>“Oh, <em> shouty</em>. Not actually-angry-shouty, I hope,” Dave called out from the counter.</p><p>“I’m cool with it. See you later, <em> Dave</em>.”</p><p>If they had been facing each other, they would have caught the increasing rosy tint in the other’s face. Since they weren’t; Dave brought a cold water bottle to his face and Karkat made it back home with a persisting burning sensation in his ears. It was pretty hot for that time of year.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Tall Caramel Macchiato</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I promise there will be more davekat... eventually.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Karkat's escapades to get coffee continued during the following weeks. They were remarkably uneventful in the sense that he and Dave were stuck in that awkward stage of a relationship where insulting each other playfully came fairly easily, but having <em>actual</em> meaningful conversations? Not so much. The troll supposed that this was to be expected; he got to talk to Dave for an average of ten minutes a day and he wasn't brave enough to even remotely suggest they meet up after work. What plan could he possibly offer a trendy ass barista, anyway? Going for a drink? The man probably had a busy social life and already knew every minimally decent joint in town, anyway.</p><p>He stopped on his tracks when he caught himself mentally contemplating strategies to get Dave to give him his number.</p><p>"<em>What the fuck am I thinking?"</em> he asked himself as he reached his destination.</p><p>The coffee shop was swarming with people, which most likely meant no time for idle conversations with Dave. He was running around doing basically <em>everything</em> that needed doing by himself, no coworkers in sight. Karkat couldn't tell his facial expressions apart very well yet, but the guy seemed pretty stressed out.</p><p>"Strider," he greeted as he finally made it to the counter. The blond's shoulders relaxed momentarily when he saw him.</p><p>"Oh. Hey, Karkat. Busy day, didn't see you come in."</p><p>"I can see that, you look ready to drop."</p><p>"If you mean ready to drop <em>dead</em>… gladly," Dave agreed.</p><p>"What's going on, anyway?"</p><p>"Buy one, get one free, baby," he huffed enduringly. He leaned forward a bit and added: "Now, don't go telling anyone, but the second one ain't actually free."</p><p>"Shocking. As if your coffee wasn't already a rip-off on its own."</p><p>"You sure come by a lot for someone who hates our coffee so much, bro."</p><p>"What can I say? You’d get bored without me—" Karkat shrugged.</p><p>"—Oh, definitely. You’re basically the highlight of my day," Dave interjected.</p><p>"… Right. Don't let me hold you up, though. Can I get, uh… a Tall Caramel Macchiato to go, please?"</p><p>"Yeah, man, aim for that tooth decay," Dave said as he reached for a cup with one hand and a caramel bottle with the other, spinning them both around apparently just to show off. Karkat was about to make a comment about it when he added: "You’ve been practicing how to order, haven’t you? You <em>almost</em> sound like a Starboons fan now."</p><p>"Jerk," Karkat snorted.</p><p>"What? No, I’m adorable." Dave shifted his attention to the drink he was making. Karkat noticed he was fidgeting a lot more than usual. "<em>Anyhow</em>, since you’re not getting the Dave time you signed up for, how about we—"</p><p>"Excuse me? Excuse me, young man, can I have a straw?" a customer interrupted.</p><p>"Sure thing, sir. Help yourself," Dave tapped the straw dispenser that was right in front of him.</p><p>"Aw, silly me! My sight isn’t what it used to be… If it’s no bother, can I ask for another sugar packet as well, please?"</p><p>"Ah, of course. They’re also up for grabs… right here," Dave bended over the counter to show the man where.</p><p>"You’ll have to excuse me, this old man is as blind as a mole… Ah, to be young again…" he trailed off as he turned to leave. "Thank you!"</p><p>"No problem, have a great day."</p><p>"You too, sonny!" He smiled kindly and off he went.</p><p>"Now, where were we…?" He turned back to Karkat.</p><p>"You were saying something about—"</p><p>"Uh, coming through. Sorry, gotta grab some napkins…" A man squeezed past Karkat to get to the self-service station and helped himself to a decidedly unreasonable amount of paper napkins. "You know how it is with kids…"</p><p>"Cataclysmic…?" Dave suggested.</p><p>"Yeah. Tragic. I’ll be, uh—Yep. Thanks."</p><p>"Yeah," Dave nodded as he left. "Your Caramel Macchiato’s ready. Finally."</p><p>"Thanks. Looks fancy. Were you trying to say something just now or…?"</p><p>"Oh, well, I mean, it was nothing important. I was saying we weren’t getting anywhere, what, with all of these interruptions…"</p><p>"No worries, I feel bad for monopolizing you while you work, anyway. I’ll drop by when it’s… not packed in here… Because you want to know what I think about this drink—<em>thing</em>, right?" The troll reckoned this would have been a perfect moment to ask Dave for his phone number, but the insecurity kicked in before he could bring himself to do it.</p><p>"Right you are. I was actually about to suggest—" the blond cut himself off, seemingly second guessing himself. If Karkat didn’t know any better, he’d have thought Dave was also mulling over the idea of exchanging contact information. But that couldn’t be it, could it?</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"Um, maybe next time you could pair your drink with a chocolate chip cookie? Yeah, j-just a suggestion… They’re delicious." The blond offered Karkat the most unconvinced thumbs up he’d ever seen.</p><p>"… Sure…?"</p><p>"Rad. Be seeing ya."</p><p>"Good luck surviving the coffee sale apocalypse."</p><p>"God, you're ruthless."</p><p>"Heh. Bye, Dave."</p><p>They waved at each other once Karkat was already on the street. It had become a part of their daily routine, Karkat unconsciously smiled at the thought.</p><p>When he got home he turned his computer on and stared at his coffee for some minutes. The caramel layer had almost sunk to the bottom of the cup, but it still looked very pretty. He took a distrustful sip and… it actually didn't taste so bad.</p><p>He must have fallen asleep on his keyboard at some point after finishing his drink because when he checked the time it had been hours. He had typed several lines of nonsense into the document he'd been working on and there was a respectable amount of drool pooling between the keys</p><p>"Gross," he commented as he dabbed it with his sleeve.</p><p>His phone pinged once. Eridan.</p><p>
  <strong><span class="eridan">caligulasAquarium [CA]</span> <span class="black"> began trolling <span class="karkat"> carcinoGenetist [CG]</span><span class="black"> at 23:05</span></span></strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="eridan">CA: howw could you tell him about me</span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: ??? </span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: dont play dumb kar</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: he ignored me evverywwhere after the wwhole fiasco wwith fef wwhy is he suddenly textin me</span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: OH.</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: dont oh me</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: wwhat did you tell him exactly </span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: and i mean EXACTLY can you showw me a screen cap in fact </span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: DUDE, COME ON. DON'T GET PARANOID. I DIDN'T EVEN THINK HE'D ACT ON IT, I JUST MENTIONED THAT YOU HAD SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO SETTLE WITH HIM.</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: oh dear</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: please tell me you didnt phrase it so ominously </span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: you make it sound like i wwant to fuckin duel him to the death</span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: DON'T YOU? I THOUGHT FIGHTING AND SMOOCHING WAS YOUR KIND OF PREFERRED SHTICK.</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: wwell yes but thats beside the point </span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: i dont knoww wwhat he expects a me does he wwant an apology or is he actually expectin us to get antagonistic from the get go</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: my eyes been twwitchin evver since i read his message kar</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: im NOT okay</span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: CHILL OUT, LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES. WHAT DID HE SAY? </span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: that hes definitely goin to regret this but that he figured hed givve me a chance to say my piece </span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: AND YOUR ANSWER WAS…? </span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: thats the thing </span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: i left him on read</span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: ERIDAN, YOU STUPID WASTE OF SPACE. YOU IDIOTIC ASSCLOWN, IMBECILIC FUCKTWAT, MORONIC BATSHITTING TURDLORD SUPREME!!!</span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: BEAR DOWN EVERYBODY, MISTER *I'M-SO-DESPERATE-FOR-ATTENTION-I'LL-LITERALLY-BEG-ON-MY-KNEES* OFFICIALLY CHANGED HIS NAME TO *BUT-I'LL-PLAY-HARD-TO-GET-IF-YOU-ACTUALLY-GIVE-IT-TO-ME* AND CONTINUES TO GIVE US NOTHING BUT REASONS TO COLLECTIVELY BASH OUR HEADS IN WITH A ROCK TO END OUR SUFFERING.</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: im not playin hard to get i panicked okay</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: i saww the notification and i couldnt evven bring myself to open it for ten minutes</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: wwhich wwas obvviously no good because he snapped at me and called me a cowwardly backstabbin 1/2wiit</span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: said i havvent changed a bit</span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: SHIT. THAT'S… HARSH.</span>
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  <span class="karkat">CG: WHY ARE YOU IDIOTS SO FUCKING FAST TO JUMP THE GUN? CAN'T YOU HAVE ONE, *JUST ONE*, CIVILIZED CONVERSATION ONCE IN A WHILE? </span>
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  <span class="eridan">CA: wwell wwe didnt evven get to havve one and hes already furious </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: YEAH, I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU GUYS TO FUCK THINGS UP ASAP. YOU SHOULD TRY TO COME CLEAN ABOUT THIS BEFORE IT GETS OUT OF HAND. BECAUSE GOD KNOWS IT WILL.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: yeah right as if i can just say hey sol im terrified of talkin to you after all this time and im currently breathin into a paper bag could you perhaps forgivve me and maybe get in my pants wwhile wwere at it </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: you see howw ridiculous that sounds right </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: our last convversation is still in the logs he said he couldnt stand seein my face anymore </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: that hed rather stab himself repeatedly wwith a blunt object </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: after the things i did </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: oh god i feel so stupid </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: ERIDAN. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: DON'T. FREAK. OUT. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i didnt think youd actually talk to him i cant just drop wwhat im feelin on him kar</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: itll scare him off</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: LOOK, MAN. I'M SORRY I WENT AHEAD AND MEDDLED WITHOUT ASKING FIRST, I REALLY AM. BUT YOU WERE MOPING AROUND IN REGRET AND I GENUINELY THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP YOU. WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: not this</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: GENUINE QUESTION: THEN WHAT? HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIX ANYTHING IF YOU DON’T FACE HIM? </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: no idea</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: hold that thought </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: since you already broke the ice </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: can you relay a message for me</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: NO WAY. YOU WANT ME TO PLAY MATCHMAKER NOW? </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: just this once</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: just wwith this one thing </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: ill contact him myself wwhen ivve sorted out my feelins i promise</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: HOW IS ANY OF THIS REAL? AM I A SUPPORTING CHARACTER IN A RENAISSANCE TRAGICOMEDY ABOUT TWO ASSHOLES THAT CLEARLY HATE EACH OTHER ENOUGH THAT THEY COULD BE MAKING OUT RIGHT NOW IF THEY WEREN'T BOTH *STUPIDLY* TRAGIC? </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i dont care wwhat you think but please kar </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i cant mess this up so soon</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: please </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: FINE. I'LL DO IT. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: FOR THE RECORD, THIS DOESN’T MEAN I PLAN ON AUSPISTICIZING YOU FUCKERS. CONSIDER THIS A ONE TIME KIND OF FAVOR. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: thanks i really owwe you </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: youre a good friend kar</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: YEAH. WHATEVER. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: WHICH WORDS OF FERVOR SHALT I RELAY TO THE HOLDETH'R OF THY MOST CALIGINOUS AFFECTIONS AND DESIRES; THE BLACKNESS OF THY EYES, THY GRACE? DOTH BID ME AND I'LL BEEST ON MINE OWN M'RRY WAY TO FINDETH THAT GENT, FOR I'M AT EACH MOMENT KEEN ON WITNESSING YOUNG SOULS BLOOM IN RAPTURE. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: thats not evven funny</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: SHUT UP. I'M A RIOT. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: COME ON. GET TO IT. TYPE IT OUT. THE CLOCK IS TICKING DOWN TO A CAPTOR FIT™ AND, BELIEVE ME, NONE OF US WANT TO BE THERE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: can you tell him that this is not howw i pictured this happenin </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i cant bring myself to talk to him right noww but tell him that ivve </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i dont knoww</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: that ivve changed </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: and i wwant to set things right but</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: NO BUTS. I'M NOT ABOUT TO RELAY YOUR DOUBTS, MAN. SKIP TO THE PART WHERE YOU ACTUALLY TRY TO BE HONEST. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: yeah okay</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: then just say that i regret howw i behavved back then and that i just wwant us to be less hostile if possible </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i mean </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: scratch that</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: wwhat im tryin to say is that im sorry i wwas a tool to him </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: theres somethin else id like to tell him but first i guess i need to make sure he wwill at least try not to make fun of me for it</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: IS THAT IT?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: do you think that covvers evverythin </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION IS: I GUESS. WE'RE APPARENTLY ISSUING THESE IN FASCICLES, HUH? BOOKLET NUMBER ONE: THE BARE MINIMUM APOLOGY. BOOKLET NUMBER IT'S A FUCKING MISTERY: MAYBE WE'LL GET AN ACTUAL CONFESSION, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: is it that bad</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: NAH, IT'S A START. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU IF HE DOESN'T GHOST ME IN RETALIATION. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: WHICH IS… A POSSIBILITY. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: thanks kar</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: I SWEAR BEING YOUR FRIEND IS A FULL TIME JOB.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: THERE IT IS, HE ELOQUENTLY ASKS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT AND WHETHER YOU HAVE TO BE A PISS GRUB ABOUT IT. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i wwouldnt have to be wweird about this if he wwasnt a manchild wwith extreme mood swwings wwhos knowwn to randomly snap at people</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: wwhich he did before i could evven explain myself just noww in case he forgot</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: AHA.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: SO THIS IS HOW IT PLAYS OUT: HE INSULTS YOU, YOU INSULT HIM… MEANWHILE I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE, GENERALLY WANTING TO DIE. THIS IS DEFINITELY MY IDEA OF A GOOD TIME. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: ANYWAY</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: HE SAYS YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH. WELL, THAT WOULD BE IF YOU WEREN'T A RESENTFUL PIECE OF UNFORGIVING TRASH. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: HIS WORDS, NOT MINE. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: ha ha derogatory fish joke howw creativve a him</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: im not evven THAT resentful</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: HE SAYS YEAH, RIGHT. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: wwhy wwould i evven wwant to talk to him if i wwas</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: tell him to answwer me this honestly</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: does he wwant to fix things yes or no because im not entertainin this convversation if hes just lookin to stir shit up </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: HE SAYS THAT SENDING SOMEONE BACK AND FORTH IS SO STUPID HE'S FEELING ACTUAL SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT. WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING 0,9230769230769231 SWEEPS OLD HIDING BEHIND HIS LUSUS? </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: AREN'T YOU ASHAMED THAT KARKAT (HEY, THAT'S ME) IS SUBJECTED TO READ THIS BULLSHIT WITH HIS OWN TWO EYES? </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: OH. AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, HE ASKS WHAT'S IN IT FOR HIM BECAUSE YOUR PREVIOUS ATTEMPTS AT COMMUNICATION HAVE BEEN *SO* TRAUMATIC HE'S NEEDED TO UNDERGO SPEECH THERAPY. ON YOUR BEHALF. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: HE SAYS THAT THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE AT LEAST HIS LISP IS AN ACTUAL CLINICAL DISORDER, UNLIKE YOUR MADE UP ACCENT. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: (TALK ABOUT CHILDISH). </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: see wwhat im dealing wwith here kar</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: (YEAH. UNFORTUNATELY).</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i swwear to god im tryin to be mature about this id appreciate it if he at least pretended to take me seriously</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: HE SAYS FIINE. I MEAN, FINE. HE ASKS ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS, BUT LIKE, IN A SUPER FRIENDLY WAY BECAUSE YOU'VE TOTALLY GIVEN HIM A LOT OF REASONS TO TRUST YOU IN THE PAST. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: okay im awware i havvent </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: thats another thing in my list a things to apologize for</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i obvviously cant provve im not bein shady but maybe you can back me up here kar</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: you knoww ivve been tryin to redeem myself better than anyone </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: are you still there</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: wwhat are you twwo talkin about</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: is it about me</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: are you trash talkin me or</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: kar</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: hello</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: DUDE, IT'S NOT EVEN BEEN FIVE MINUTES. I'M TALKING HIM INTO THIS WHOLE THING AS I RELAY YOUR MESSAGES *AND* TALK WONDERS ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER ARC… SHIT TAKES TIME, CAN YOU *NOT* PRESSURE ME?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: sorry it kinda felt like you wwere keepin me in the dark </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: I DON'T SAY ANYTHING BEHIND YOUR BACK THAT I WOULDN'T SAY RIGHT TO YOUR STUPID FACE. WHICH IS TO SAY: OF COURSE I'M TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOU WITH HIM. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: JUST AS MUCH AS I'M TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM WITH YOU. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: NO DICE, THOUGH, HE STILL DOESN’T GET IT. HE ASKS IF THIS IS ONE OF YOUR PISS POOR ATTEMPTS AT GETTING LAID. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: shit</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: SINCE YOU'RE TAKING YOUR TIME WITH THIS ONE (I FEEL YOU, BUDDY, TRICKY QUESTION): HE SAYS HE CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LOW YOU CAN SINK. ETC, ETC.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: thats not it kar</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: i wwanted to followw the natural order to get to that part</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: its not like hes my last resort or anythin im pretty sure i havve legit feelins for him</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: HM. YEAH, I KNOW. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: DAMN, BRO. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO TELL HIM THAT? </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: wwait dont</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: tell him its more complicated than that</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: HE SWEARS HE'S GONNA RIP OUT HIS HORNS IF THIS IS A PLOY TO GET FUCKED. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: its not</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: its not but</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: in the hypothetic case i wwas lets say interested </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: hes single right </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: do you think it wwould be in bad taste to ask</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TO LOSE TO START WITH, SO IF YOU WANT ME TO ASK, I'LL ASK.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="eridan">CA: is he saying somethin im gettin anxious already </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="karkat">CG: MORE LIKE WHAT ISN'T HE SAYING. DUDE'S RANTING LIKE THE WORD COUNT'S HOLDING A GUN TO HIS HEAD.<br/><span class="karkat">CG: TO SUM IT UP, HE SAYS IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOU'RE STILL AN INCEL IN DENIAL.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: im NOT </span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: OH DAMN, HE SURE'S GETTING WORKED UP OVER THIS.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: HAHAHA, HE'S ACTUALLY HILARIOUS. YOU JUST GOTTA SEE THIS ONE FOR YOURSELF.</span></span>
</p><p><span class="black">--</span> <span class="karkat">carcinoGenetist [CG]</span> <span class="black"> sent </span> <span class="eridan">caligulasAquarium [CA] </span> <span class="black"> the file "SOLLUXTANTRUM.jpeg" --</span></p><p>
  <span class="karkat"> <span class="eridan">CA: wwhat the fuck</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: hes tellin me to shovve his WWHAT up my WWHAT</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: YEAH, I KINDA WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE THINGS YOU GUYS WANT TO DO TO EACH OTHER. </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwait no howw did he mean that</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I DUNNO, MAN. SOUNDS A LOT LIKE REPRESSED BLACK FEELINGS TO ME.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: you tell me youre the expert </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: did he really say all of that unprompted</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: YEP. COULDN'T MAKE IT UP. </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: kar wwhat the fuck</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: thats evvocativve to put it lightly</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: THAT'S ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE IT. THE OTHER WOULD BE DESPERATELY HORNY.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: is he regrettin it yet</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: NOT YET, BUT HE'S CLOSE.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: GETTING THERE...</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: JACKPOT. HE SAYS HE GOT HOT-HEADED FOR A SECOND THERE, THAT IT WAS LIKE HE WAS HAVING AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE, BUT THAT HE'S REGAINED HIS MORAL SENSE AND SANITY. </span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: (THAT IS A BLATANT LIE, TAKE IT FROM ME, THE MAN'S HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN RE-READING HIS LONG ASS INSPIRED MANIFESTO. AS I SAID: HILARIOUS). </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i kinda get wwhere hes comin from honestly </span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: SO. WHAT'S IN STORE FOR THIS FUCKED UP TELEPHONE GAME? I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE HOW YOU GUYS CHOOSE TO DIG YOUR OWN GRAVES NEXT.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: youre havvin wway too much fun wwith this</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: tell him to forget about flirtin or wwhatevvers goin on here that wwhether i havve a thing for him or not is not wwhats important right noww</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: this is about settin the record straight </span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: HE SAYS HE'S TOO MORTIFIED TO KEEP GOING RIGHT NOW.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat wwhy</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: HE SAYS TO STOP BEING A WUSS AND TALK TO HIM DIRECTLY. JUST TYPE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY ON NOTES IF YOU HAVE TO. COPYING AND PASTING SHOULD BE WELL WITHIN YOUR ABILITIES.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: (OH SHIT, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF DOING THAT?)</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhy did he change his mind </span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: HE SAYS HE MIGHT HAVE JUMPED THE GUN (NO SHIT), BUT THAT HE'S WILLING TO HEAR YOU OUT IF YOU'RE NOT PULLING A STUNT.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: really</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i may need some time to think about it </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwevve already seen wwhat happens wwhen wwe improvvise </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: is he okay wwith that</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: HE'S GOT A MASSIVE HEADACHE FROM ALL THIS CLOWNERY AND NEEDS TO LAY DOWN, BUT HE SAYS SURE.<br/><span class="karkat">CG: (WHEW, I THINK OUT FRIEND HERE JUST HAD A REVELATION. I FEEL KINDA BAD FOR HIM).</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: oh</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: uh</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: tell him i said get wwell</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: UNREAL, BRO. </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: THAT'S WHAT HE SAID: UNREAL, BRO. </span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: AND THERE HE GOES, HE LOGGED OUT. </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwhat the hell just happened kar</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: DON'T ASK ME.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: SEEMS LIKE YOU GOT YOUR CHANCE, SO I'D SAY IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION.</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: SURE IT MADE ME WANT TO THROW MY FURNITURE OUT OF THE WINDOW AND THEN MYSELF, BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN WAY, *WAY*, WORSE. </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i cant believve it </span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I KNOW. I SAVED THE DAY AGAIN LIKE THE VERY COMPETENT FAIRY GODFATHER I AM. </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: thank you thank you</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP, OKAY?</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: i owwe you one </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: just ask for anythin youvve earned it</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: I'M SAVING MY WISHES FOR SOME OTHER TIME. DO KEEP ME UPDATED ON YOUR… PROGRESS, THOUGH.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: youre such a meddler kar</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: SHUT UP. IF YOU CAN POKE YOUR NOSE INTO MY ALLEGED BARISTA SITUATION™, IT'S ONLY FAIR I DO THE SAME.</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: speakin of wwhich</span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: any newws</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: NOT REALLY. </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: youd tell me if somethin happened right </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: im rootin for you wwere in this together</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: DON'T LUMP ME TOGETHER WITH YOU, MAN. I'M NOT THAT LAME. </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: youre right sorry </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: youre lamer</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: WHY DO I STAND YOU? WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER WITH ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES? </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: wwho knowws </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: ill leavve you to your reflection i havve a profile to keep</span><br/><span class="karkat">CG: OKAY. LATER. </span><br/><span class="eridan">CA: later</span></span> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="karkat"> <span class="karkat"><span class="eridan">caligulasAquarium [CA]</span> <span class="black"> ceased trolling <span class="karkat">carcinoGenetist [CG]</span> <span class="black"> at 00:14</span></span></span> </span>
</p><p>Another weird chat with Eridan to add to the ever-growing pile. Karkat couldn’t deny how invested in his friends’ love life he was. Advising them and giving them the little push—sometimes more of a <em> violent shove </em>—they needed made him feel reassured in his scarcity of control. But the truth was that following his own advice was immensely harder; his expertise on romance was, after all, purely theoretical. There was only so much movies could teach him.</p><p>Indeed, it was a dent to his pride to admit how out of his depth he was… How hard could it be to get Dave’s number? Karkat would like to think their broship was sailing smoothly, maybe they just needed some more time to get comfortable around each other before taking that step…</p><p>No, he’d made enough excuses. He’d have to buck up and tackle the issue directly. Nothing ventured, nothing gained… <em> right </em>?</p>
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